Book Report: The Search to Belong (Or, Not Another Potluck)

The Search to Belong: Rethinking Intimacy, Community, and Small Groups by Joseph Myers really spoke to me. He is not a Mormon, but I like the way he thinks about being the member of a church. This book explores what it's like for different people to participate in a community. Not everyone participates in the same way. I think this is really important. There are people in my ward who are considered less active but who would consider themselves totally Mormon. There's nothing wrong with having a hope for them to participate in full fellowship in the church, but treating them as outsiders isn't good. This book makes an interesting—and strong, in my introverted opinion—case for not expecting everyone in your congregation to be good friends or participate in the community in the same way.

There is an expectation that friendship must move through stages, ending in being best friends who hang out all the time and that is the goal. But I certainly don't want that with everyone in my ward. I want that with maybe only 2 people in my ward. I only want that with about 6 people in the world, so it's nothing personal against my ward. It's OK to stay as just acquaintances. Knowing that when you have a baby I will visit you and if someone dies I will show up with funeral potatoes is enough (and quite a lot).  I will teach your children the gospel and you will teach mine. You will take work off to sleep in a snow cave with my son and I will spend a week at Girl's Camp with your daughter. We will sit side by side as we renew our covenants with Heavenly Father. Isn't that enough? Do we have to have a potluck too? The pot luck is the least meaningful way we will spend time together during the week. 

A lot of people really like potlucks. I fully acknowledge that I like doing things less than most people. But I still do a lot of church-related things. For the most part it's good for me and I don't mind. And, obviously, a social component can bring us to the spiritual component, especially with the youth. But sometimes I just pick up on this crazed vibe in meetings (always with the meetings) that we have to have more activities, more dinners, more groups, more being together all the time! It seems separate from spirituality to me. 

Meyers suggests that we shouldn't necessarily have new people or visitors introduce themselves when they show up in church. It's ostensibly welcoming, but it's actually calling attention to the fact that they don't belong, that we've never seen them before. It can be problematic for certain types. Of course, other types love it. But so many activities and ward policies are planned and executed on the premise that we all have to be great buds who hang out all the time. More activities does not mean more spiritual closeness. And spiritual closeness does not really have to happen in a ward for everyone to have a meaningful relationship with God. Granted, spending time together does increase the responsibility and compassion we feel for each other. So I understand the push to get together. But I'm just like, enough already, guys. This book articulates how I feel without just seeming like and anti-social stick in the mud.