What is a big deal and what isn't? There aren't really any baby books about this stuff. I find myself texting desperately to friends, "Halo is bad, right?" or "Will I regret a trampoline?" And last night when my son wanted to bake cream puffs with his friends at 11:45 I was paralyzed with indecision. It was getting late, but. . . cream puffs! To add to my confusion one of the other moms dropped off a carton of heavy cream. OK. So I guess it's a perfectly normal thing for a group of 13-year-old boys to do over spring break. Could be worse?
One day I realized Sam had forgotten to take this fork with fishing line attached to it to school for a project. I know about the ages and time increments for letting kids cry it out at night, but at what point to you not drop off the fork with fishing line at the school office for them? I don't know. It's like how they used to say hugging kids would spoil them. In 50 years there will be a study about providing unlimited forks with fishing line attached in order to make your child feel secure. Maybe?
Now that they are older my kids actually go places and tell people things I say like, "My mom told me to run away and scream if your dad tries to kidnap me. Hahahahah." Yes! I said it. And I still maintain that it is good advice along with boldly asserting, "This is not my father!" I guess I should add, "If he doesn't try to kidnap you, be polite and don't tell him that I thought he might kidnap you." I'm regretting all that early language development we used to work on. Say what you will about us latch key kids from the 70s, WE KNEW HOW TO KEEP OUR FAMILY SECRETS.
Then there's my incredible cheapness. I'm just totally cheap in general, unless it is something for myself. I have to be! Times anything by 4 kids and you get a big number. But my kids have generous friends who take them to museums in Salt Lake City and buy them lunch or rent skis or get dessert. I never do anything like that. I feel like I should return the generosity of my kids' friends, but if I do it right after they bought my kids something it seems insincere and unnatural--like I'm keeping score, which I am, but only because I owe so much. Still, it's like being the second person to say, "I love you." It just never comes off as well. I've gone from resenting those little play dates who would whisper "Ask you mom for some food," to being a full-on mooch. I thought it was a recession? I'm just not carefree and fun and I never will be. Should I be?
Nevertheless, I do still make an effort by talking about comic book movies and Justin Bieber and wearing skinny jeans even though I shouldn't because sometimes I think mutton dressed as lamb looks cute. I don't know what I'm doing.
like I said. A book. It is already there waiting, and wanting to emerge....I say take the plunge.
ReplyDeleteI would buy it, and I am an 'older' mom of several kids.
Sadly,the feeling of insecurity doesn't ever leave, especially when you see subtle weaknesses and not so subtle mistakes cropping up in your carefully planted garden of children.
But one thing I do know. I wish I did more telling, teaching, loving, and safe guarding, cause, you know, what ever happens, or doesn't... it somehow always comes back to you.
Plus, the older they get the less control you have over them and their decisions, and that is also frightening. Yup, frightening! Then you are down to only one weapon in your arsenal. Love.
I for one, miss the days of control.
I think you're awesome and should actually WRITE the book! I'd snap one up in a heartbeat. My oldest is 2.5, my baby is a year, we have another due this fall and I NEVER know what I'm doing. But I like the no-sleep over rule and plan to stick to it.
ReplyDeleteOh my, I so relate to this and my oldest is not even 5 yet! This was one of the biggest surprises about parenting to me. My parents either really truly did know everything or they pulled the wool over my eyes. I had no idea I would know so little. I feel like some moms are blessed with a knowledge of limits and what their kid can and cannot do. Nope, 3 cookies are definitely over the line, but 2 is just fine? How do they know that? and has anyone really gotten sick from too much candy? Um, don't run in the church halls on a weekday. why? I have no idea, but I watched other moms say it. Everything from halloween candy to chores has me paralyzed. When you figure it out let me know, but in the mean time you crack me up. The End.
ReplyDeleteAs far as bailing out your kids, here is what I do: the kids get four free passes a year to bring them somthing at school. They have to decide whether it's something they want to waste a turn on. Otherwise, they are out of luck and they know it. The won't learn to responsible and remember their stuff if there are no consequences for not remembering.
ReplyDeleteSometimes if they REALLY need something and are out of free passes I'll think up some heinous chore they have to do for me in exchange.
As far as being the cheap friend, I have that happen too. I don't even like sharing our otter pops.
I hear you on the feeling (being ;) ) cheap thing. I have 4 boys. They have lots of friends who have only 1 sibling, or only sisters who invite them places and have them over to play. I feel bad about not returning the gesture, but I have 4 kids and they're all boys, so they have built-in playmates and I have not much extra money. I try not to let it bother me too much that it isn't all equal. Besides, they get the pleasure of my wonderful kids company, right?
ReplyDeleteI clicked through to the comments just so I could read them. You have funny readers. Maybe you're rubbing off on them.
ReplyDeleteWeirdos play shooting games like Halo and Call of Duty. Winners play cool games like Super Smash Brothers! After all, no kid has ever died for going days without a bathroom break playing a game with Mario in it.
ReplyDeleteIf 13-year-old boys baking cream puffs in your kitchen at 11:45 p.m. isn't proof that you rule as a mother, I don't know what would be.
ReplyDeleteWelcome to the REAL ten years.
Don't be the no-sleepover mom. Your kids are probably too young for sleepovers now but your girls will love them and everything will be ok!
ReplyDeleteI so relate to this. I feel like the idiotic/inept mother of two teenage girls and the well worn/veteran of two grade schoolers. It is all very unsettling.
ReplyDeleteAnd, ditto on the cheapie mom. I am so there with you.
Oh wow! Loved this post. I'm in that ten years from now stage. My youngest is 11 and my oldest is on a mission. And sometimes I still feel lost. But you have to go with what your gut tells you sometimes and my gut says the same thing as yours about sleepovers.
ReplyDeleteBut one thing I'll say about this stage--yes, I lose sleep waiting up for kids coming home from dates or games or whatever. And yes, baking in the middle of the night seems strange but wouldn't you rather have them baking cream puffs than cooking meth?
Okay, that was extreme. But just enjoy them. I loved my kids as little ones and I loved them as much or more during this stage. It's good being a mom wherever we are.
I love THIS ten years. It's a wild ride. And you--and your fun kids--will be just fine.
ReplyDeleteYou know if people want to do nice things for your kids like rent skis and whatnot, I'd suggest you have the kids who benefitted write a thank you note after the event. I know as the mom who has done stuff like that--that I really am not looking for reciprocity. I'm not really lookign for greatfulnes or aknowledgement either but those things are really appreciated.
ReplyDeleteApparently I am the Ned Flanders of my neighborhood. We are flanked on either side by lots of kids who stay out late and go doorbell ditching, etc., and who don't really have lots of rules or supervision. They sometimes tease my son for the rules he has to follow.I wonder the same thing: what is really bad and what is "boys will be boys" type of stuff? Ugh. PS: once my friend took her middle school-aged daughter's flute to her because she forgot it and the lady at the school office gave her a lecture and called her a "helicopter parent." !!
ReplyDeletei love this post. you said everything every mom wants to say. i'm with you on the sleepovers. nothing good happens at a sleepover.
ReplyDeleteGreat post! I don't think most people allow sleep overs... we do, but only certain people. Like my best friend...
ReplyDeleteAnd it is NEVER to late to make desserts...
H.
I don't know. About any of it. But I just can't help but feel that cream puffs are never wrong.
ReplyDeleteI can relate to the no sleep over policy, constant indecision about whether or not I should allow something and being cheap...although I never thought you were cheap. I often feel cheap when I read your blog because you take your kids on fun dates and out to eat. We never even to that.
ReplyDeleteYou're awesome and for what it is worth I admire you.
My sister, Eliza, is a big fan of your blog and recommended this post to me. She's heard me lament the same things. My oldest is 12 and I SO relate. We also have the no sleep-over rule and are living up the late nights. I have been feeling super guilty too because my kids' friends have totally been taking them amazing places. I comfort myself with the fact that I'm always up for having kids here and am pretty mellow about noise and chaos and messes. I hope/think my kids' friends are comfortable here. Also, loved the cream puff at 11:45 thing and the mom dropping off cream. That cracked me up. Someone once told me that we should say "yes" whenever we can. I like that advice, so good job on the cream puffs. I could go on and on about all the ways I related to this post. I'll spare you and just wrap up by saying how much I LOVED this post!
ReplyDeleteYou are the queen of the closing paragraph. Just like Seinfeld, you know how to tie it all together right at the end and make me laugh out loud. Seriously -- "wearing skinny jeans even though I shouldn't because sometimes I think mutton dressed as lamb looks cute" is like the funniest comment ever. I hope you really do write a book someday. I have no doubt that the final chapter would be the best ever. No pressure.
ReplyDeleteLike. Like a lot.
ReplyDeleteBut what's the deal with the sleepovers? Is this the cultural divide, where I won't understand anything since we're worlds apart? Do tell.
Also, the midnight boy baking is proof that you're doing something very right.
Hat off!
If your kids ever complain about the sleepover thing, just tell them you and I made a pact about no sleepovers for our kids and you can't break it. So then it's all my fault. I'm OK with being the bad guy. (Just FYI, I'm going to tell my kids it's your fault.)
ReplyDeleteMaybe I'm just in the dark. Or maybe it really is a day to day kind of thing.
ReplyDeleteRules always change. I go for taking it a day at a time.
Our kids are mostly doing fine - and I'm not sure it would have been much different if we'd done it any other way.
And I wish it had been "in" to say no to sleepovers - they drive me nuts.
I'm just watching you, Kacy. If everything turns out for your kids, I'll keep following suit.
ReplyDeleteThe no sleepover policy is getting awkward, yet I read about so many people having the same policy. Why don't they live in my town?
I have 4 kids, 2 boys 2 girls, oldest is 13, youngest 5. So I feel like I am in the same boat especially with the no sleepovers and being cheap. I am nervous about the next 10 years but kind of excited too. Keep the Momness coming-love it!
ReplyDeleteThis is a great post. I relate.
ReplyDeleteI have a no-sleepover rule too and consequently have the am-I-the-meanest-mom-ever? feeling a lot. But then I say to myself, oh well, at least they won't be molested.
ReplyDeleteI totally laughed at your son's cream puff endeavor! My oldest son is turning 13 in 2 weeks...so I guess late-night baking sessions with his friends is what I have to look forward too?
Oh, and speaking of the young mommy blogger contingency--have you seen this article?
ReplyDeletehttp://www.salon.com/life/feature/2011/01/15/feminist_obsessed_with_mormon_blogs
If not, I thought you might be interested. Even though your blog is way more "real" than most of those featured.
I grew up with the no-sleepover rule and am now REALLY glad my parents had it. They made an exception once for a special young women's sleepover, and some girl taught me what mooning was. No joke.
ReplyDeleteI'm not saying that would happen, or worse, but it just seems to me like there are a few things I can do to ensure it's not my fault if my kids mess up, and sleepover's can be a big mess up time.
Way to be! Keep doing what you're doing.
I am very interested in hearing more about your no- sleepovers rationale! Very funny post. :) Candice
ReplyDeleteMy husband and I agree with your no sleep-over policy. Nothing good ever comes from a sleep-over, just cranky sleep-deprived kids. In fact, sleepovers are where I did most of my bad stuff as a kid. Late nights are what we plan on doing with our kids, they can have friends over for a couple of extra hours on a weekend. Our oldest just turned 7 and we've already had to turn down sleep-overs and I already feel like a weirdo. Oh well.
ReplyDeleteI am an older mom with a 3 year old - nuf said! There will always be someone that thinks they do it better, or someone that says you shouldn't do this or that. I am definitely not the disciplinarian at home, it is my hubby. I keep saying when my child gets older I will be stricter - where do we draw the line. If it were up to me, my child and I would still co-sleep. OH well! I am doing the best I can. Love your blog!
ReplyDeleteI went to high school about an hour away from my home, to a magnet school. My mom tells a story of how I forgot my hairpiece in 10th grade that I was supposed to wear in the production of Goldilock and the 3 Bears that we were doing during school hours for inner city kids, and how she debated driving it down to me for a long time, and then decided to. When she got to school with the hairpiece that I needed, she says I was giggling and pinning another hair piece in, and I nonchalantly said "oh, thanks!" In other words, I had the situation under control.
ReplyDeleteShe claims that was the end of her "bailing me out" of situations other than super serious stuff. I think one day, probably for each of your kids, you'll have that moment too. And it might be COMPLETELY different ages for each one. Which is so cool :)
-Lauren
I think you should have a button. And even though we don't know each other I feel that you value my opinion.
ReplyDeleteYou asked once if my dog was good and if so how did he get that way. I missed the comment for a long time cause I'm a dork but whatever, the fact that you asked shows you care.
And what I think, on a totally not dog related note, is that you should have a button.
My dog was well trained when I got him but he has slowly deteriorated into sofa eating, parts sniffing, crazy barking menace. I love him anyway and he sleeps on my bed.
I went to sleepovers as a kid. My kids do not -- unless there are out-of-town cousins visiting for the holidays or something. So that makes me a hypocrite.
ReplyDeleteMy kids range from 2 to twelve. It does seem like there should be some sort of rite of passage by this point.
Hi! I included this post in this weeks from my reader round-up. Loved the post and thought it would be super useful to my friends and readers.
ReplyDeleteWhen you get it figured out, let me know. I'm counting on your passing along all your hand-me-down advice about teenagers.
ReplyDeletehttp://www.cnn.com/2011/OPINION/04/19/granderson.children.dress/index.html Check out this article. The best quote says, "The way I see it, my son can go to therapy later if my strict rules have scarred him. But I have peace knowing he'll be able to afford therapy as an adult because I didn't allow him to wear or do whatever he wanted as a kid."
ReplyDeleteJust for the record, I am also a mom who says no to sleepovers. You are not alone. :) (also, my word verification says this comment is ratedn. I don't know what rating that is, but I'm sure it's a good one.)
ReplyDeleteOh man, I was just catching up on your blog and this post hit it out of the park. I'M THAT MOM TOO! No sleepovers, I've had the exact same internal struggle weighing natural consequences and personal responsibility against mercy and bailing for love. My (oldest kid of five) 11-year-old daughter has a bff that takes her to the movies, and out to eat, and to the water park and skiing. I never send money with her. Our budget just doesn't include all those fancy things for one kid. I figure if they get tired of it they'll stop inviting her. Testify sistah!
ReplyDeleteI don't get the no sleep-over policy. My entire growing up summers were spent sleeping over at friends houses. Some of my greatest memories! We didn't do "bad" things, we just had lots of laughing and being silly. I would love for my kids to be able to have sleepovers as they get older. However, we've moved into a "no sleep-over" neighborhood, which annoys the snot out of me.
ReplyDeleteYour little girl looks adorable :)
ReplyDeletewww.vindiebaby.com
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