He Needs His Fantasy and Freedom--I Know the Bachelor So Well

[Spoilers]

This week's Bachelor left me asking some big questions like where did Brad come from? What is his purpose? Is this show real? Am I real? Does a tree house with a bed and NO BATHROOM really qualify as a fantasy suite?

First of all, Chantal was seriously "surprised" to be going on a safari in Africa. I guess she just put on her safari shirt ironically that day? Brad likes enthusiasm, big bosoms, and a lack of dignity (in that order). Chantal has all of this in spades. He's going to choose her. And yes I Googled it weeks ago but the more you know Brad and the more familiar you become with his interest in easy women, people who make him feel "comfortable," and people with no life or interests the more you realize that Chantal is the only acceptable woman in the batch. But who knows what will happen.

Have you ever watched the show Lie to Me? I've learned a lot about reading faces from that show. Remember when Emily asked Brad if he was ready for a 5 year old and he said yes? Well, that was a lie. But good for Emily for taking a moral stand against the fantasy suite because she's a mother and an example to her little girl. Oh wait. She didn't do that. Instead she took a page from Chantal's book (there are hardly any words in it) and told Brad she is falling in love with him and kissed him. Well, she was almost a good example to her little girl! You guys, it's hard to be a role model. Just ask Snooki, Miley Cyrus, and Tupac Shakur.

I guess it's worth it to compromise your values because if you do maybe Brad will choose you and you'll become his wife and when your kids do the math and figure out that they were conceived in the fantasy suite they won't call you a hypocrite when you try to teach them not to be promiscuous and you'll be really proud of yourself because you won a reality show. Like I say, I've never watched the show before but I'm guessing that's how it turns out for people.

Emily is beautiful and [relatively] classy. I hate to see her doing this. At least her dream of riding an elephant came true. Personally, I don't care if I ever ride an elephant at all. My dream was to have a substantive conversation with a guy before I married him. But some people [apparently] don't care about that at all. Everyone is different. That's what makes life wonderful and surprising, like an African safari!

And finally, Ashley. Whew! That was awkward, wasn't it? It's like when you realize you've been on a ridiculous and unrealistic reality show for a month and suddenly you notice you don't like or even know the guy you are hoping will propose to you in the finale. "Maybe there's more to a relationship than a really fun carnival date."  Hmmmmm. Brad might be onto something there. But I don't know. Look at Siegfried and Roy. They have abiding love and their relationship is based on the circus.

But then there's Ashley's pesky obsession with dentistry. How serious is she about that hobby anyway? Brad wants to know. As it turns out, pretty serious. WRONG ANSWER. You see, Ashley was relying on sparks and chemistry to get her to the end of the game. She didn't know she was supposed to forsake all personal ambition and assure him of her desire to move to Austin and become, presumably? barefoot and pregnant. Looking back she could have played it differently. Won a few more moments, who can tell? But it took time to understand the Brad. Now at least she knows she knows him well.

My hat goes off to Ashley for being the only one to draw attention to the sexist mechanism at play on ABC's The Bachelor several weeks ago when Brad drawled, "Isn't that a good thing?" referring to her feelings for him and she said, "Yeah--for you." Of course it made him really mad and cost her a husband in the end but sister spoke the truth. And refusing to "beg" after Brad gave her the boot? Unprecedented! (I think we can all picture Chantal in the same situation begging on her hands and knees. That's the way to his heart, I guess.) I have to say--after hopping on Brad's lap in front of her parents--I didn't know Ashley had it in her.

And they say Mormons oppress women.