Don't Get The Bachelor Angry. You Won't Like Him When He's Angry

Last night I enjoyed watching The Bachelor finale (and "finale" is not really a big enough word to capture just how long it was) with Lisa and Chris and Lisa's cousin, Julie. On the way out of my house I had to refer to it as "going to a meeting" to escape my 3 year old--all is fair in love and war, right ABC's The Bachelor? At one point during the evening I looked over and saw Chris getting a bare-skin massage from Julie. So that's how it is in their family. Maybe The Bachelor is more realistic than I once thought?

I love Brad and Emily. She is adorable. Part of what made me hate Brad throughout the season were the incorrect spoilers saying he picked Chantal.  He always favored Emily, broke rules for her, and was nervous around her. I couldn't figure out why he would, in the end, go with Chantal unless it was just because she was easy. I really put myself out there with these spoilers. I allowed myself to trust them, which I haven't done in a LONG time. In the end I was hurt by the incorrect spoilers. But still. Do I have any regrets? No. I regret nothing. Everything happens for a reason. I would do everything exactly the same even though the spoilers were wrong and I made a fool of myself posing topless for Sports Illustrated. What can I say? The spoilers felt right.

I like Brad a lot more for choosing Emily, but everything I said about him being self-centered still stands. He thinks that telling Emily he wants to be a father to her child is a grand gesture worthy of--I don't know, worship? But when she tries to have an actual conversation with him about it instead of the Bachelor-patented exchange of cliches he got really mad and described her as "slapping him in the face." What about "putting yourself out there," Brad? It doesn't feel so good, does it.

Brad--a full 14 years older than Emily--has not proven to be exactly "easy going." You saw how quickly Emily jumped up to try to placate him with a drink of water. Scary!  I pity Brad because I think he really believes he is sensitive, generous, and  thoughtful. But I just don't see any indication that he is those things. Yes, all the ladies describe him as "amazing," but they also describe an experience where they made fools of themselves while living under house arrest before being humiliatingly kicked to the curb on camera as "amazing," so I question whether I'm on the same page with them, semantically.

Brad's gentle dismissal of Chantal was really sad. The whole thing is really sad and unnatural. After watching a full season of The Bachelor I can assert my original evaluation: It is hideous to watch in every way--from the first person to be sent home (how embarrassing!) to the last girl to be sent home (how embarrassing!) it is awful and sad and ridiculous and unpleasant. Brad's proposal to Emily was quite sweet and satisfying since I wanted him to choose her but even that was ruined by their inscrutable behavior on the after-show. They broke up but they're back together but Emily doesn't want to get married because of his temper and the tabloids but he's head over heals and they still consider themselves engaged. What? He must have slept with Chantal. That's the only thing that explains it. Emily hates watching the show and wishes Brad would have "saved something special that was just for her." I guess Brad never got the chastity lesson where they pass around a piece of gum with no wrapper to the whole class and then ask who wants to put it in their mouth and chew it.  Brad is the gum. And his pects are wrapperless.

I still hope they get married. I can't help it. I love them as a couple. And I am so thrilled to see Brad making a fool of himself for Emily who is--maybe--just not that into him. It is satisfying. We'll see where making himself vulnerable (a trick he learned from Chantal) gets him. Who would have thought that dainty little southern belle had such a tasty sense of irony! I think we're all relieved that Brad and Emily have the entire Bachelor brain trust at their disposal for relationship advice. I'm just sorry I missed the first season when Trista married Ryan. Did she get some kind of kickback for choosing him? Like McDonalds gets for hiring disabled people?

Now, a lot of you have been asking if I will watch next season when Ashley H. of dental school notoriety takes her place as The Bachelorette. And the answer is, probably not. Because--guys--can't you see that I hate this show?