What a Brad Womack Wants

Yes--even though I googled it and know who Brad chooses in the end--we are still watching the Bachelor. I think Christian puts it on just to spite me, which is fine. (Could be worse.) Today I will tell you how to win Brad's heart, assuming that you want to win it. Hahahahahah! Just kidding. That's not an assumption--it's a fact!

It goes without saying that you must be physically attractive with a good and tan body. Being a little cheap-looking (Chantal) is OK if you have big bosoms. You can't be self-conscious about swimming (well, sitting and sprawling in water--there's not much actual "swimming") in a bikini or making out with someone you don't know.  In addition, you have to be a good sport and up for adventures such as repelling and singing and dancing while suspended from a wire. If you don't make a good showing, you have put up walls (also known as "self respect"). If you have walls or if you threaten to put walls up, it makes Brad mad. You know when he gets mad because his steely jaw clenches and also he sends you home, but he might still kiss you so you can't go by that. And your horse can never be bigger than his. I guess he's insecure about that.

The other thing to remember when talking to Brad (but don't talk too much!) is that he hates drama. And being called on stuff or being challenged or having anyone point out obvious things like how he gets to date and kiss whomever he wants while the women hover together desperately in their tank tops and sleep in bunk beds. If you get worried or start to have doubts please, PLEASE remember to trust Brad. You have to trust that he is doing what is best for himself--that's his moral imperative. If he does get mad, just try to "relax" him.

You can't talk about how you feel unless you feel happy and in love with Brad but do not try small talk. Brad HATES small talk about embalming and different cities and the weather. He's in for deeper fare such as your willingness to be vulnerable for him. Don't be scared of your feelings for him or of bugs. Also, you need to be willing to expose your impressionable 5 year old to him or--there you go again with the walls! Don't try to ply him with an envelope of thoughtful messages--it won't work. Instead, try a short dress. Or, a little crazy.

Speaking of Michelle, I'm starting to think she's kind of funny. The trick for Michelle will be to see if she can somehow channel her power of breaking up marriages to actually create one. With Brad! Brad is there for you, ladies. Never forget that. (Where "there for you" means "willing to rub your bare legs when you cry.")

Next week on the Bachelor: Drama, being vulnerable, hot tubs, being there for the women, meaningful looks instead of meaningful conversation, tears, yoga pants, and tank tops. Tune in.

Viva la Bachelor.