The Bachelor Reaches a New Low, or "High" If You're Satan

[Spoilers]

Maybe topless photo shoots aren't a new low for ABC's The Bachelor. Maybe it's actually rather typical. I don't know because I've never watched it before. I have to say I was pretty scandalized by last night's episode, but then--I'm not a purveyor of pornography.

I mean, you kind of expect the smarmy, accented Sports Illustrated photographer to suggest going topless. What surprised (and really, "horrified" is a better word here) me was the encouragement of the matronly shoot director. Wow. You're very good at your job, ma'am. And all you had to do was sell out your whole gender. Congratulations?

The first to go topless was the lady who was self-conscious about having a small chest. So typical and so sad. And this isn't some outcast teenager from a broken home trying to get boys to like her--Ashley is a dentist. That's what, 8 years of school? Who would have thought that a woman who knows what amalgams are made of would be such a cliche? A white lab coat doesn't offer the protection it once did. Alas.

Next up for going topless? Chantal--the girl who feels fat. To Michelle (who, inexplicably keeps her top on) I say, "Way to go!" (I'll overlook the exploitative beach making out because. . . I don't even know anymore.) Please note that posing topless didn't make anyone feel better. The two who did were the most insecure and weepy they've been all season.  And so it goes with the objectification of women. At its best it makes even Brad feel awkward and at its worst everyone involved blackens their soul. Not cool, ABC's The Bachelor--NOT COOL.

Next week are the home visits. That's right! If you make it you get to take Brad home to meet your mom--After shaming her this week in your topless photo shoot. Here is where the irony is less delicious and much more sickening.  "To family," says Brad in his toast--Woopsie. My shirt fell off. Hi mom! Meet Brad.

Congratulations to Emily for being the only woman Brad has any respect for. He should choose her. But she has a kid. So he won't.

Congratulations to Shawntelle for being the only girl with any real personality. Of course, maybe I'm biased because I wanted to be a funeral director before I went to graduate school and became a teacher. Now I'm neither and couldn't be happier. We'll see what Brad goes for. I think the personality is kind of like having a kid though, where Brad is concerned.

Congratulations to Michelle for being the only girl not to cry on the way out. Congratulations to Michelle also for the best line of the night: "I don't see Brad and Britt even friending each other on Facebook." You had me at crazy tan freakazoidal harpy. Well-played.

Congratulations to Chantal for providing us with a cautionary tale for insecure young women thinking about getting involved in the adult entertainment industry to boost their self esteem and feel empowered--It won't work. It will make you feel embarrassed. And it doesn't guarantee a rose. You know what else? Your mom is watching. And she's sad. Profoundly.

And congratulations to Britt for putting herself out there.

As for me, I'm not going to put myself out there. I'm going keep myself in here.