Watching the Bachelor Makes Me Feel Awful

I've never watched The Bachelor before, but this season Christian is Tivo-ing it because his friend's ex-wife is one of the contestants. I suppose that might be a better reason to not watch it--in solidarity with the ex-husband but everything is really confusing these days because of reality TV and Twitter. It's hard to remember who to support and how to be loyal.

Of course I find the show appalling, the contestants hideous, and everything that takes place mortifying.  I do not enjoy watching it because I do not enjoy being faced with evidence that people are pathetic, shallow, desperate, manipulative, embarrassing, and dumb. It really gets me down, to tell you the truth. But it's compelling in a way. It's compelling in the same way a gag reflex is compelling. Both feel bad to me, but some people look forward to throwing up because it makes them feel so much better after. To each their own! (I really mean that.)

I do find it heartening that the bachelor seems to have pretty decent taste in women. He chose spunky, smart, classy women to stay for the second week. Of course, one might question my use of the word "classy" in this context. Nevertheless, I think I would be in love with Emily if I were the bachelor.

She's just like a blond Lyla Garrity. (I know. RIGHT?) She has the appeal of Dolly Parton and the charm of Loretta Lynne. She's not my type in real life but in real life I'm not a man on The Bachelor. If I were a man on The Bachelor I'm quite certain I would "love" the prettiest one. Apparently a lot of women on The Bachelor think he will love the easiest one but if The Bachelor has taught us anything, it has taught us that there's no need to buy the milk when you are getting it for free. In this metaphor I forget what "buying the milk" means but I do remember that "getting it for free" means lots of tight hugs in swimming suits!

As I was saying, if I were the bachelor I wouldn't like that Emily already has a daughter but if I were the bachelor I would be too embarrassed to admit that her daughter was a turn- off because it would really make me look like a jerk so I would choose her to prove that I wasn't a jerk and that I love kids. That's just one way reality TV keeps it real. May the best man win!

The other thing I've noticed while watching the bachelor is that it is really long. Incredibly long--longer than most movies. This is great because so much keeps happening. It's like, as long as they are filming things keep happening. If it weren't so long it would probably be a real nightmare to edit. All I know is that you can't edit love--true love, that is. To quote Rachel who, sadly, went home this week in spite of forgetting to wear pants on her date, "I hardly ever cry!"