And I Get to Take Codeine

Isn't it boring when people tell you about their migraines? I mean, it's right up there with fibromyalgia accounts and narratives about carbs. Nevertheless, I get freaky, debilitating migraines and I'm going to tell you about them now. I will try, however, to only tell you the interesting parts.

Picture me in third grade at a dress rehearsal for a fairy tale showcase wherein I played a bear, Jenna Martin played a fairy, and my beloved Brent Hamilton played the prince who doesn't have ANY scenes with the bear. My mom had made me a complete bear suit--ears, paws, and all--out of brown terry cloth. I carried a metal honey pot and was proud of my authenticity. The year before I had played "narrator" in a class presentation of The Wizard of Oz and at that age it's exciting because you think you might one day be an actor. Or a writer. Or a nurse. Or a spy--you just have to decide which. Anyway, my teeth went numb on stage. I felt hot and horrible and I threw up. One half of my body went numb. Then I got a headache. That's the first migraine I remember.

My migraines are preceded by an "aura" of weird symptoms like numb teeth and hands. I also get dysphasia, which is a trip but kind of fun for people who are with me because I speak nonsensically. Another thing that can happen is a blind spot. It's really sort of disturbing and is often accompanied by nausea. Once in high school I was sitting in seminary and felt a migraine coming on. I figured I could get my bag and coat and head out the door before it really got going but this time I went totally blind. It was a scene, man. I bumped into stuff and my gallant seminary teacher who I was, surprisingly, NOT in love with put his arm around me to help me out and--as I stumbled--caught me up in a magnificent swoop and "carried me out the door just like a bride," as the incident would later be described. Inevitably it was assumed by the sem-hedrin that I was on drugs and/or had an eating disorder and had fainted from anorexia. I just realized I do miss high school. People never think I'm on drugs or anorexic anymore.

I had a bit of a bad migraine spell after Maggie was born. My leg went numb and stayed numb. Ever the hypochondriac (I HAVE had pleurisy), I thought maybe I had multiple sclerosis. That's when I started seeing my middle-Eastern neurologist. He suggested I get a CAT scan to see if instead of migraines I'd been having a series of tiny little strokes. Isn't the prospect of that hideous? I'm not, so it's fine but here's the interesting part: After the CAT scan the technician (who does the whole thing but doesn't discuss the results) looked sympathetically at Christian and said, "Well, good luck with everything." I thought I was going to die. Those technicians, boy. They are in a great position to mess with people.

And the final interesting (I hope) and tragic bit about my migraines is that they can be triggered by both eating beef stick and drinking Nyquil. So if you have any kind of heart in you at all, throw a little sympathy my way for the deprivation of those two great pleasures in life. Perhaps when I am ready I will choose, as the Elephant Man chose to sleep lying down one last night on a pillow, to end it all in a beefy, salty, sneezing, achy, so you can rest stupor.

Also of note, I have one right now and I'm on drugs and you probably can't even tell. See? No big whoop. Although, it might actually be illegal to blog on narcotics. Keep on truckin'.