I have a fairly attractive cat. I'm not what you would call a cat person but I think I can objectively say that he's pretty good-looking. At the very least, he's on the positive side of neutral. (Hey, most people would KILL to be on the positive side of neutral!) Here, take a look at Ozzy. I'll just upload the picture I wear in my "I Heart Kitties" locket.
The cat I saw today is hideous. I've seen him before and it is a horrifying experience because he looks just like Ozzy except hideous. I am always taken aback by the sight of this cat--always. It disgusts me. It is huge-headed and mangy and has a depraved look in his face that makes me sick. I couldn't get his picture but it looks a lot Ozzy, except more like this:
See, to me, Ozzy looks pretty much like this:
And the other cat looks almost exactly like this:
Blek. Gag. The End.
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ReplyDeleteAl Pacino was one of the first men I was ever attracted to (because of "The Godfather"). And I have to say that Ozzy is probably the first cat I find attractive--but not in a sexual way (well, Al Pacino was in a sexual way).
ReplyDeleteWhen I see my cat,(which is not very often) I don’t dry heave, I just think, “chubby” Just that one word, no real thought, just, chubby. It's when I go into "her" room that I dry heave, and if I don’t get out fast, it turns into a wet heave.
ReplyDeleteWere the first two comments deleted because of the use of the phrase, "wet heave"?
ReplyDeletePlease stop saying "wet heave."
ReplyDeleteI don't like cats (no offense to Ozzy). Once when I was on a two week vacation with someone who will remain nameless, he thought it was funny to let a cat (who had bitten me the day before) in my room while I was sleeping.
ReplyDeleteThat's how I feel about... uh... I got nothin'. Sorry.
ReplyDeleteIt's like I said, every cat has an arch rival. Unfortunately, there could be no Ozzy without Dry Heave, no urbane Al Pacino without the Dr. Moreau-esque Brando. The way I see it, though you may not like it, Ozzy and Dry Heave are inseparably and eternally linked. At least it's nice to know that Ozzy has chosen the good side, because we know what happens to those who choose the dark side, their heads become disproportionately large.
ReplyDeleteNot only do cats all have arch enemies, but babies do too. Remember Maggie and that baby with the unibrow?
ReplyDeleteThat bag of chocolate donut gems wasn't from Wal-Mart, was it? If not, I recommend them--they're delightful.
ReplyDeleteThey are like the cat versions of Bruce Willis and Samuel Jackson in Unbreakable. I wonder if Ozzy could even exist were it not for Dry Heave? I wonder who my cat's opposite is. Chubbs may actually be the evil side because he is disproportionately large and can be quite violent at times.
ReplyDeleteThe fact that you were eating chocolate gem doughnuts IS relevant. As TASF mentioned, you might have ended up wearing chocolate gem doughnuts had Dry Heave been a little more mangy
ReplyDeleteWow, my first abbreviation.
ReplyDeletehttp://www.kansas.com/mld/kansas/living/home/pets/12150923.htm
ReplyDeleteTry that,it will really make you dry heave, wet heave, all kinds.
I saw "KASM" tagged on a information booth thing in downtown provo. I think late at night you should take a marker and write ".blogspot.com" after it. That would be cool.
ReplyDeleteI would, except Phillip borrowed my Sharpies yesterday for his Capoeira posters and never gave them back.
ReplyDeletePhillajinga!
Paint markers are on sale at Michael's for 50% off.
ReplyDeleteI just bought a new sharpie (back-to-school and all)... Let me know if you need to borrow it.
ReplyDeleteCats don't make me dry heave, but they sure do make my nose itchy-scratchy. Secretly I'm happy to have an excuse not to like them.
Nate, watch out. I heard that paint marker sale is a sting operation set up by your old nemesis Officer Turner.
ReplyDeleteI'm allergic to cats too, Suzie. But I'd rather have a cat than a rodent infestation. I wish I had a fresh Sharpie to smell right now. Phllip stole all of mine.
ReplyDeleteRemember you're suppose to invite me over for special moments, once you've found a Sharpie. Hey, wait, I have several! When should I come over?
ReplyDeleteHa, now you really DID do a wet heave...
ReplyDeleteso you don't call yourself a cat person but you have a locket with a cats picture in it....
ReplyDeleteI've seen some pretty ugly cats in my day and while I'm more of a cat person than a dog person, I don't think I've ever had a physical reaction to the site of an animal. I do however think "dry heave" is a great name for a cat. I used to have a cat that looked a lot like Ozzy. He was a stray so we named him Oliver. But he went crazy (long story) and was finally put to sleep. I wonder...
ReplyDeleteI'm sitting on the "other" computer while Alonso is working and everyone else is asleep...therefore I am trying to stay quite (not quite sure why I didn't just say THAT)
ReplyDeleteAnyway, I just full on snort-laughed while reading this. Thank heavens there was no dry-heaving...I scared the snot out of Alonso as it is.
Thanks for the laugh...as always.
You live on 820 North, right? I live on 880 North I SWEAR I know the cat you are talking about. Black and white and always carrying a dead mouse in his mouth and always pooping in your garden too? Yea, that's the one....
ReplyDeleteOh my goodness, this is the weirdest/funniest article ever, by "wet heave" does that mean throw up? I just got a laugh out of it, I did go to that one site suggested by Aaron and it was guite...interesting :S well you people have fun here with your heaving. And maybe request your town office to come get the cat..."dry heave" that is. Why not name him "wet heave" if he is that revolting? Keep up the good work...Heave a nice day!
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