10 (More) Things of a Confessional Nature

Here are 10 more things. I would like to work up to 100 Things, like other bloggers, but it will take some time. Most of these things are of a confessional nature to foster a feeling of intimacy between us. Because that’s how you build friendships over the internet. And isn’t that what this is all about, people?

10. Until recently I thought Sarah Marinara was really named Sarah Marinara.

9. Last summer at youth conference there was a big, final, dance. Granted, I hadn’t “gone all out” because, with all due respect to the kids in my ward, why would I? But I had actually gussied up a bit, looked in the mirror and pronounced myself “ready.” As we were heading over to the dance one of the girls kindly told me, “You might want to brush your hair.”

9. a. (Also regarding my hair.) One time, days after we had taken the young women in my ward to a movie they jovially referred to how my hair was at the movies that night, how funny it had been, how they had laughed and laughed because it looked like I had washed it and then gone to bed with it wet. Yes girls. I do remember that day, says I. And you were right, little ladies. I had taken a shower and gone back to bed. I did this because I had a migraine. I went on to tell them that my migraines make my whole left side go numb and require me to have CAT scans and how it probably won’t be long before I have a stroke as my migraines are an indicator of the likelihood of this happening if, in fact, these migraines aren’t really just mini-strokes as doctors fear. And how that day I dragged myself out of bed to take codeine and them to the movies with my funny hair. Hahaha! True, I did lay it on a little thick--but my hair ain’t so funny anymore!

8. I took a picture of David Sedaris even though it is well known that he hates having his picture takien. But here is why I made this choice: I’m not insane or even disillusioned enough to think that if I just hadn’t taken a picture of him he and I would have become fast friends. As much as I might enjoy and even fantasize about paling around with David Sedaris, I know that picture or no, it’s not going to happen. So why refrain? Maybe you can tell that I still feel a little guilty about what I did. But I really had fun at his reading and I really wanted a picture to commemorate the fun. I politely asked and he politely agreed. Anyway, he lives in France now which only increases the odds that even if I hadn’t taken the picture I would have unknowingly done something obnoxiously American that would have totally turned him off to the idea of being friends with me. That’s what I keep telling myself.

7. Sometimes I run down the stairs really fast and on the last stair bounce really high and say “Doing!” I do this for the benefit of no one but myself. Christian has caught me doing it and doesn’t like it. I’m telling you this in the spirit of full disclosure, even though I know I have lost some of your respect.

6. Vegetarians really do kind of bother me. And sometimes I persecute them, but only a little.

5. In Jr. High I was in the Dixon Spectacular which was based on the premise that life would be awful without color. I did not have a feature role, but was onstage the whole time in the background pretending to adjust a series of gears and levers which operated a color-producing machine. As I did this I had the same gross feeling in my heart that you get when you are cruel or tell a lie—an early indication that I am not a natural performer.

4. (Also in Jr. High) My friend and I entered the American History Fair with a tape recording of our own version of James Brown’s “Livin’ In America” called “Women in America.” Her mom played the piano as we sang the words we had written and recorded our song. When the part comes up where James Brown would shout out “New York City. . .” We would shout “Susan B. Anthony. . . “ but we couldn’t quite muster enough gusto to pull it off. We got out of school for the whole day to go to the fair. I couldn’t face the judges so we just left the tape recorder on the presentation table and hoped they would have the wherewithal to press play.

3. My friends got me to join pep club as a freshman in high school. I didn’t know what it was. Before long I figured out that it was a prerequisite for being a cheerleader the next year (something I was not interested in). In pep club we learned a dance that we were to perform during half time of a football game. It was one of those numbers you have to look away during out of pity. They gave us a “costume”—white pants and a green sweater. White pants were actually in style at the time but these were made by Hunt Club—not good.

2. I Googled Peter Parker today. Again.

1. Unlike George Eliot, a woman who wrote as a man, I am a man who writes as a woman. (Just kidding. Or am I?)